IT: Welcome to Derry

What the actual fuck am I watching right now? I started writing this review on episode 4 and oh man - how did THIS get a score of 8 on IMDb? Either people cope that much, or they genuinely hate the IT movie universe. The IT movies were some of the best horror movies of all time. The first one was amazing, the second was worse but still scored pretty well and explored the fantasy side - which people didn’t really like. Some horrors don’t need explanation, and IT was exactly that. In the first movie, it was a good story about kids versus a clown-monster that just existed to scare and eat them. In the second movie - it was a spider?.. Yeah, I know Stephen King wrote it, but that’s not something audiences like in movies. The first movie wasn’t about fighting some fantasy creature from space. It was about a group of kids against evil. You don’t need to explore evil as some dark fantasy spirit that came from the sky as a meteor, landed before people existed, and turned out to be three lights. Three lights. That can be everything. That feeds on fear. And people. But is scared of a meteor itself? What the actual fuck am I writing? Oh right - this is HBO’s new series Welcome to Derry. Like, okay, I can understand trying to “pay back” King for making IT a spider in the second movie, but basing the entire series around this? The first episode shows us some kids and a random demon baby with extremely GROSS scenes. I liked Alien: Romulus, but this felt like a bad Marvel joke shoved everywhere - completely out of context. Oh god, this is bad. Bad CGI makes it even worse. Episode 2 - 5.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHO THE FUCK MADE THAT ROOM SCENE? That was horrible. What the fuck is happening? Why am I watching cheap body horror with kids instead of the horror I actually love? The military line is stupid. The story is nonsense. Now this is some ancient being we’re fighting. Why are kids even here if IT can eat everyone now? Military, Indians, a grandma? Like they fear more? LOL. Then why eat kids at all? Why do people forget stuff? Because magic? I’m watching a fucking magic show where kids and dumb characters are fighting an ancient god that turned out to be a body-horror demon. I JUST WANTED A STORY ABOUT A CLOWN AND KIDS LIKE THE MOVIE DID. NOT THIS. This is so random. Why can’t IT leave the woods if there are no stars? Why does it live in a cave near the stars? Why do you now need bricks to find him? Why does no one give a fuck about any of this? Why are there suddenly tunnels built by Indians? What the fuck? The military line is completely out of context. How do they even know all this?

OH RIGHT. THEY HAVE A CHARLES XAVIER. MY FUCKING BAD. NOW WE’RE IN X-MEN. The flashback with the kid general and the Indian girl - what the fuck is that? How is the bow connected to any of this? Why can you “feel” IT? Why do kids see it, some adults see it, but Xavier needs to fly there, talk, leave, and everyone just thinks he had a bad trip - while when it happens to the kid in the shop in episode 3, she’s suddenly insane? What is this story?

“Oh, let’s just make her crazy so we can film shit and no one asks what the fuck is going on.” Episode 5.

White generals want to capture an ancient monster to end the Cold War. HOW THE FUCK would IT help against the Soviets? OH MY GOOOOD. Matty - the kid who kinda died in episode 1 - is alive and just… leaves the sewers because IT sleeps during the day. Why would a three-lights god even sleep? OH SO THAT’S THE CASE. WE CAN JUST FUCKING GO. “Protect the country” - great motivation. Fight a demon. The army goes to IT’s “house”. Imagine astral horror fighting an army.

It ends how it should: everyone almost dies. Charles Xavier gets trapped, I guess. We’ll see. Episode 6.

IT is a father now? And what about the father of one of the kids who “killed children”? They put him on a black base where “no one would see him” - except there are literally 20 people there. Episode 7.

The original clown, who was just entertaining kids, gets attention from IT, who was watching outside the woods - which shouldn’t even be possible according to Indian rules. Even then, can’t you just tell people not to go there? So IT steals the personality and job of a random man. The entity feeds on fear and somehow understands that a clown would be scary for kids that currently are enjoying him. Didn’t know IT was that smart. Maybe it should just take every kid’s joy then. Black vs white conflict - why is it even here? White people are just okay shooting kids inside with black people? What the fuck. Is Pennywise racist now? Does he have an army? Where did the Indian woman come from? The death of Rich was absolutely useless. There’s no way Marge would survive that temperature. The death of the original Pennywise is a joke. So cringe.

“HELLO PAPA” - yeah, sure. “YOU’RE NOT HIM. WHO ARE YOU?” By the way, all of this happened because they were hiding a fake killer who didn’t confirm his alibi because he was sleeping with a white woman - who ALSO turns out to be a Pennywise fan and the daughter of the original one. The dad of one kid - almost the main hero, always “protecting the country” - doesn’t give a fuck that everyone just died, almost including his kid. He’s just sitting there listening to how to find Pennywise and control him. “Oh, this isn’t even about Russia.”

OH WOW. WHAT A SMART SOLDIER YOU ARE. YOU FIGURED IT OUT. IT’S NOT ABOUT RUSSIA. FUCKING TRYING TO FIND A GOD DEMON. They destroy the stone - some random stone they found almost by accident. No analysis. Nothing. White people are so great in this series. How can you destroy the star stone of an IT meteor if it’s literally a meteor that flew through space? Episode 9.

Y’all really saying no one remembered or talked about IT taking over the city? I don’t want to talk about this anymore…